Attitude or Gratitude???

                I am so mad at myself.  I have a class now where the total grade revolves around 4 quizes and 3 midterms.  My last midterm (our first one), I did way worse on than I had expected.  I was sure that I had at least a “B” even though what I really wanted and needed was an “A”.  I instead had a low “C”.

                Part of my problem is that I had been moving and did not study until the night before and only for an hour or two.  I thought I had a way better handle on the material than I really did, which leads to my other problem, my attitude.  I had gotten arrogant about how much I already knew, and thinking that things were going to be much easier for me than they ended up being.  Not that it is an easy class but I had already learned in previous classes this same material.

                The biggest problem I believe has been my attitude, and today’s event pulled me down further to a reality I needed.  This morning I had my third Quiz.  Last night I went over the material again and had planned to even get up early to study a little more.  I need to raise my grade from my last midterm.

I didn’t get up early though.  I wasn’t late but I felt like I had more time than I really did.  Eight a.m. became 8:17 am and then it was 10 till 9am before I left. 

There are two “rules” for this class.  Midterms/quiz’s can not be made up if missed AND if you arrive after the first person leaves, you are not permitted to take the test.

I got to the parking lot 5 minutes after class started.  It would have been another 5 minutes to walk in the door.  I had missed my opportunity.  I couldn’t believe it.  I never expected to be late.  I had every expectation on being early and even studying a little more.   So where exactly did I go wrong?

I took for granted where I was and where I needed to be.  I thought “I had it”.  I met someone else recently that had that same attitude.  This person had no room to learn or improve because in everything presented to her, she had the attitude “ya, ya, I got this” when really she didn’t. 

I don’t want that same attitude getting in the way of my possibilities in life.  This may seem like a silly analogy to you, especially with whatever you may be facing.  But for me, it loudly shouted “check yourself”.  So that is what I am going to do, here and in a few other areas too. 

Does Communication ever frustrate you?

I say that redundantly because if you are at all human, it obviously does.  In fact if you are anything living, I would say that it does (cat, a fish, even a mouse).

Communication is clearly important.  It would literally be impossible to live with out it.  After all, we do depend on one another, do we not?  And that depending involves communicating.

I am not a good communicator.  I wish I were. I even wanted a degree in communication at one time and even now I think of days when I hope to speak to people communicating my story.  But I am not the best listener.  My thoughts run rapid in my mind and I am easily distracted by anything going on around me.  I loose interest quickly if not held by depth of thought. I frustrate others.  I know this because many of them have even told me.

Today while having lunch with a friend, I found myself so annoyed when I walked away.  Nothing bad happened or was said to cause either of us to get upset with the other, but how things were said I believe upset us both a little.  Today isn't the first time either. This happens almost all the time with this friend.

She drags out everything she states, and even though I let her know that I get what she is saying she continues to explain or state it in a way that takes unnessary time and energy to get a point across that I have made clear I already get.  She gets frustrated with me as I try to move the conversation along or eventually try to change the subject altogether.  But I get to the point of not even wanting to listen when I feel like she is talking only because she wants to and not because it is an actual conversation with me.


I obviously don't state this to insult my friend.  She is dear to me and I am very grateful for her friendship, but I sit here and think about why communication is important and what is most important about it?  How do we not let our own differences bring division?  How do we enjoy relationships or accomplish saying what needs to be said, without the frustration of not being heard getting in the way?

How do you communicate when it is clear to you both that you really do not know how to communicate?

"For Better or Worse"

Are these words not being said in wedding ceremonies anymore?  “In sickness and in health, till death do you part.”

Now, I’m not married and even though I want to be, I seriously question my willingness to stick it out when faced with a time of really not loving my husband, or just being completely disgusted or disappointed by him. So, the idea of walking away I definitely get.  That is probably why I haven’t done it yet.  But there is a reason that we said these vows so long ago and why they are called vows.

What kind of commitment do you have if it is superficial, if you know that it is only based on you being a certain way at a certain time?

“I’m not going to love you or stand by you if you get sick.  I’m sorry that just inconveniences me.”

“I’m just not attracted to you now that you have gained 20 pounds.  I’m sorry.”

“We are just not the same people anymore.”

“I just don’t love you like I use to.”

Marriage isn’t something that is built for just a season.  It isn’t something established to revolve around you.  Marriage is a commitment, an involvement, a follow through.  When you get married, it is with the intention that things will change.  Your feelings will change.  Your looks will change.  My grandparents are beautiful people, but they did not look the same at the end of their life as when they first married, but their love was stronger than it had ever been.  And it is a guarantee that you will fall out of love with your spouse.  I say that because to us, love is a feeling and feelings change.  There are no guarentees with feelings. The truth is that LOVE is an act.  It is something you choose to do even when you don’t feel like doing it.  It is something that grows deep with nurture and care.  The more hard times you go through and work through, the more deeply rooted your Love becomes.

And this is the love we all want, whether we admit it or not.  To love without loss.  To love without regret.  To love without fear of losing. To love and to grow.  To love and to trust.  Love that walks away is never love like this. 

The real question in any marriage is how deep of a love do you really want, and what are you willing to do to have that kind of love?

Out of the Mouth of Mary Magdalene

Photographer unknown

Out of the Mouth of Mary Magdalene

Mary Magdalene was a woman that had 7 demons in her.  Seven foul retched demons plaguing and destroying her life.  She knew Christ and his love and his healing touch.  He delivered her from these demons and because of this, she followed and served him.  Mary was one of many woman that followed Jesus and cared for his needs both as he followed the path of the cross and before as he traveled and preached. 

Mary loved and knew him.  With everything in her, she wanted to serve him.

When Jesus died, she was there to watch him draw his last breath and when he rose again, she was the one that was greeted by angels and by the Living Christ. 

Mary Magdalene was a very special woman.  She was the first one to see the living Lord on the very first Easter Sunday ever.

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(John 20:14-18)

“At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

            “’Woman,’ he said, ‘why are you crying?  Who is it you are looking for?’  Thinking he was the gardener, she said, ‘Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

            “Jesus said to her, ‘Mary’”

            “She turned to him and cried out in Aramaic, ‘Rabboni!’ (which means teacher)”

            “Jesus said, ‘Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father.  Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’”

“Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: ‘I have seen the Lord!”

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Christ lived and died so that we may know him and live eternally with him.  He gave all that he was.  Easter is not just about beautiful dresses on cute little girls or handsome young men in suits.  It is not about acknowledge him for just that one day to turn and forget about him tomorrow.  Easter is about remembering who He is and who He has always been.  Easter is about who we are to Him.  All of us are Mary Magdalene’s in Christ’s eyes.  All of us are worth the price He paid.  And all of us have something very special to be thankful for.

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Do you know Christ?  I know it is easy to read this and say “this is for those  type of people, not for me”.  Mary Magdalene is proof that Christ’s death was for you and everyone!  Knowing Him is like nothing else.  He loves in a way like no one else is able to.  I know, we as Christians, make constant mistakes.  We say the wrong thing. We are selfish, rude, very proud, sometimes just unloving and unfriendly.  We are NOT Him.  He is more than we could ever be.  Please do not let us and our bad behaviors keep you from knowing a man that can save your life and who loves you more than anyone anywhere.

 (additional scripture on Jesus’ death…..Matthew 27 & 28; Mark 15 & 16;  Luke 8:2, 23, & 24)

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Who are you REAL with?

Photo by blogger http://walkbyfaithquestionsconcerningdeath.blogspot.com/

Today I shared my feelings and thoughts with someone that I later wondered if whether it was a bad mistake.  I showed great weakness, not more than anyone else experiences but most people choose not to show it. Most people are smart not to show it.  There are only few people in our lives that we can afford to be 100% transparent with.  They are usually our closest of friends.

There are sometimes though that I feel our emotions are on surface level and the least little provoking will pull them out. 

For me, I was fortunate.  Apparently the one that I was so open with is someone that is really considered trustworthy and will not repeat it all as gossip.  That is a relief.  But one thing I noticed was when I opened up to a stranger who was curious, I didn’t get near as much relief as when I opened up to my good friend just moments later. My friend cared and her compassion was healing whereas the "stranger" was friendly, she was more curious than connected.

I needed to cry.  I needed to let my thoughts and feelings out, to fully express them.  My dear friend gave me that opportunity.  After my conversation with her, I felt a sense of relief that I needed.

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 Who do you open yourself up to?  Do you open up?  Or do you block yourself off saying "I'm o.k." I have it all together"?

Life is about desire

Photo by good friend and blogger http://walkbyfaithquestionsconcerningdeath.blogspot.com/

The last couple of weeks I have been at my breaking point with work and school.  I made the mistake of setting up a schedule that did not allow for any “fun” time.  That and the pressure of not having enough of me to go around has really been stressful, to the point that I have just wanted to quit.  Wanting to quit is something common for me.

When I was younger, I went to a school to be a hair stylist.  I stayed about 2 months.  I have worked as a secretary.  I have worked for an investment company, a hotel and as a home health aide.  Once I even worked for a Christian radio station.  That was a fun job, and one that I thought I would have for a really long time.  But even that job I left.

Nothing was right.  From the time that I was diagnosed, I never found anything that was worth working through. 

Last week, I felt so DONE.  My spirit and everything in me just broke.  I couldn’t care anymore.  I had to let everything go…at least in spirit.  I don’t know exactly what changed then but I knew that I wasn’t going to walk away.  All I could think in my frustration and annoyance was “I want to do this. I’m going to do this. I’m not giving up.” 

This is the first time since I was diagnosed that I feel this driven about what I am doing.

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I think when bad things happen to you, you begin to feel defeated.  I know, for me, it was like trying to find something to prove that I belonged and was needed – that I wasn’t a failure or broken like I felt.  I didn’t really believe in myself, and I am only now beginning to learn how to.

I think after a time of feeling really defeated in life you need a moment that you have to push through, a moment where you have to really fight for what it is you want.  And sometimes that means realizing what it is you want.

For me, I want to be a nurse.  I will be a nurse and I will be good at it. 

Life is about chances.  It is about risks.  It is about faith.  Life is about desire.

Stand DONE on the Finish Line

My thoughts are just a blur.  The days are going quickly.  Time is running fast and running out.  There is still so much to do.  I worked today.  Sunday is my only off day but I worked because a coworker really needed me to.  My sister’s birthday was today also.  I took a quick shower, bought her gift and then went to spend a few hours with her and the boys to celebrate the day she came into this world. I love that girl!  I wish I could have spent more with her.  The night is almost over though and there is still so much more to do. 

I think what I like most about sitting at my computer and writing is the silence and solitude in it all. For one small moment all of the world stands completely still and all the thoughts, feelings, and unsure reactions to life begin to make sense.  Even if that sense is just the knowledge that in the end none of it matters. 

I want to be still so bad.  I want to go to the park and play ball with the boys or go out one Saturday night with the girls and get dressed up.  I want a lot of things.  Most of which you have heard me state many times before.  BUT, what I want right this minute is to just be done.  That would mean I got through it all, succeeded and stand “done” on the finish line, ready to finally live.  So I take a moment, just a moment, whenever I can and remind myself that, so that I can go another day.

“Wait upon the LORD.  Be strong & take heart and wait upon the Lord.”  Psalm 27:14

What Makes you - YOU?

Wow, it has been an impactful few weeks - well few months.  I won't go into all the detail, you wouldn't care to hear it anyway. As I sit here knowing that I need to write and let out some of all this bottled up inside me, I think about the last few months.  So much has happened and quickly.  I don't think that I have processed much of it.  Life seems to be like that at times.  For most people it seems to be like that all the time.  I can't do it though.  I can't live like that.  I have to have a break, a moment from the madness and try to stifle through it all, let the emotions pass me by.

I took a moment to be still a few days ago.  I should have been studying but it was material that I had covered before.  I did study a little but for 2-3 days I didn't do much of anything.  To be still after having gone continuously for so long really felt like a flooding of everything coming over me.  In just a moment, a happy thought of time away became depressed feelings of inadequacy. 

Maybe it is just me.  Maybe it is just the way that I am, this emotional roller coaster mess, but I don't think so.  I think everyone deals with it in their own ways.  Some get a little more egotistical proving that they are capable of handling it all, some become a little more dependent unable to stand on their own, and others just keep moving in fast motion in fear that if they do stop it will indeed come crashing all down or just not get done.

To be honest, I wish my 2-3 days of solitude would have gone just a little more differently than they did.  Today, though, allows me to see or grasp what I failed to process then.


What makes you - YOU?
What defines YOU?
What strengthens YOU?  What makes YOU feel whole?

What is it in life that allows you to make since of it ALL?

I hope that you all have a good week.  I hope that you have a moment to YOUrself and that it fills YOU with the truth of who YOU are!
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'And then He reached out His arms and said I love YOU!' - Christ died for us, taking on every burden of the world that we may have LIFE. Fully have life. ;) Even the little details, He worries about.
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Peace in Christ,
Laura ~