Life is about desire

Photo by good friend and blogger http://walkbyfaithquestionsconcerningdeath.blogspot.com/

The last couple of weeks I have been at my breaking point with work and school.  I made the mistake of setting up a schedule that did not allow for any “fun” time.  That and the pressure of not having enough of me to go around has really been stressful, to the point that I have just wanted to quit.  Wanting to quit is something common for me.

When I was younger, I went to a school to be a hair stylist.  I stayed about 2 months.  I have worked as a secretary.  I have worked for an investment company, a hotel and as a home health aide.  Once I even worked for a Christian radio station.  That was a fun job, and one that I thought I would have for a really long time.  But even that job I left.

Nothing was right.  From the time that I was diagnosed, I never found anything that was worth working through. 

Last week, I felt so DONE.  My spirit and everything in me just broke.  I couldn’t care anymore.  I had to let everything go…at least in spirit.  I don’t know exactly what changed then but I knew that I wasn’t going to walk away.  All I could think in my frustration and annoyance was “I want to do this. I’m going to do this. I’m not giving up.” 

This is the first time since I was diagnosed that I feel this driven about what I am doing.

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I think when bad things happen to you, you begin to feel defeated.  I know, for me, it was like trying to find something to prove that I belonged and was needed – that I wasn’t a failure or broken like I felt.  I didn’t really believe in myself, and I am only now beginning to learn how to.

I think after a time of feeling really defeated in life you need a moment that you have to push through, a moment where you have to really fight for what it is you want.  And sometimes that means realizing what it is you want.

For me, I want to be a nurse.  I will be a nurse and I will be good at it. 

Life is about chances.  It is about risks.  It is about faith.  Life is about desire.