Wading the storms of Life...together in word.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Don't Quit

“Don’t Quit when the tide is lowest, For it’s just about to turn; Don’t quit over doubts and questions, For there’s something you may learn.”

-          Jill Wolf

The last two days I have really been fearfully questioning what it is I am doing.  I have prayed over and over again, “what am I doing Lord?”  Every time I have thought or prayed that I have felt as though He was saying, “trusting me”.  Then it began to sound more like “trust me”.  Have you ever done anything in your life that you were not sure about doing?  It took quit a bit of surrender and following in a direction that you wouldn’t logically go in.  In the pit of your stomach (or heart) you knew you were suppose to but you couldn’t figure out why or how?

In the past few years, I have had numerous friends of mine get married.  All of them at some point wanting to walk away, and that is just in the first two years.  It has been such an eye opener for me.  In some of them, I honestly see their pain and their reasoning; knowing myself, that I would probably walk away too.  But I can’t help but encourage them to stay and work it out.

I look at my grandparents who have been gone now for over a year.  They had a love that all of us dream of, but it came with surrender and a choice not to quit.  When they were young and they had five young children, it was pretty much over for them.  They were even separated.  In their story though, God intervened.  The children ended up with encephalitis and in the hospital.  I know my mom nearly died and I think my uncle almost did too. It gripped my grandfather by the heart.  He fell to his knees and prayed that God would take him instead.  So He did.  My grandfather became a Christian and something in the marriage changed.   I honestly don’t think it was easy from that point out. I know numerous times they had arguments and times they didn’t talk, but it was the working through it that made them stronger.

I watched the movie Fireproof last night with Kirk Cameron. I have always loved him and still do. (smile) I also love this movie.  It shows that there are certain steps that we take or don’t take that make or ruin a relationship.  We are naturally selfish.  When we think we are being so giving and loving, there is usually some very self-centered thinking behind it.  He thought he was being very giving to provide but he didn’t realize the pain he was constantly putting his wife through with habits that he refused to give up. She also had areas to surrender. 

I also watched the movie Premonition.  It is kind of strange that it stands out to me as a movie on making a marriage work because it is a thriller that keeps you on the seat of your chair, but in the midst of it you see Sandra Bullock’s marriage as it is beginning to crumble.  Because of how it all plays out in her mind, she is able to see what is taking place before and while it does.  I don’t want to give too much away because it is a really good movie but I will say there is a scene closer to the end where her anger and resentment or distance to him is replaced by the gratefulness of the fact that he is there.  She comes to him so lovingly and in full surrender, removing his shoes and telling him in silence just how much she loves him. 

I think so many times we fail to say and truly show our love for someone because we cling to the hurt we have felt thinking that forgiveness will say it was all o.k.  But that is not what forgiveness is.  Forgiveness trumps the hurt and pain with a love that is beyond our-selves. That love is what accomplishes so much.  It is not of our-selves to forgive, but it is definitely to our benefit to do it. 

As I question where I am with this book and my writing and whether I am really on track with what I am doing, I know that I can not give up.  I have to put in my full effort.  I have to commit and stick with my commitment.  I have to overlook the times of feeling like a failure or being hurt by the pain of my past and know that there is a purpose to it.

Marriage is the same way.  Becoming one is just that, becoming one.  Getting a divorce or walking away doesn’t change that.  That hurt and pain will always be there. My parents divorced when I was 3 years old.  I am definitely proof of the brokenness it brings.  Overcoming those moments though by actively loving the other person and surrendering yourself builds a love that can only come from God.  It is the kind of love worth dying with.  Just like my grandparents did.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Stinky wrapped up mess

I woke up this morning thinking “shoot! I forgot to put my groceries away from work.”

I hoped that I was wrong. I had spent an hour cooking yesterday, part of which involved making cucumber salad with tiny diced up cucumbers, onion, and green pepper.  Sometimes I forget what I have done and I really hoped today was evidence of that.  But as I walked into the kitchen I could see my fully packed lunch basket that I carry everyday and the stench of onion filled the house.

Sometimes I fear that taking this time from school is like leaving my lunch on the table undelt with, at some point I am going to wake up with the stench of regret.  That is a thought and a fear but at the same time I know that I do not have the mental focus that I need right now to do the classes that I need to do. 

I have gotten support from so many people, even my college professor for that class I need to take.  My book is just barely started.  Granted, as I get going I am sure the notes and journal entries from years past will speed the process right along. 

I just don’t want to regret this. 

I don’t want to get finished or somewhat finished and realize that all I have is a “stinky mess” and a waste of time.  Is what I am doing really going to make a difference?  Is my book really a reality waiting to happen?  How do you know these things in life?  I guess you don’t.  I guess you take a chance on them right?  Take a chance…a leap of faith…a prayer that your time spent turns into a delicious meal versus a messed up regret.

You know, it really is true that if even one person finds hope, if even one person knows that they are not alone, then it has all been worth it.  In a way, I think this break from classes only grows my desire in a way that is needed to get through the remaining bulk.  Even in writing and even in sharing, I know I still want to be a nurse.  I still want to work with cancer patients, offering hope and the reminder that they too can face their storm.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The Truth Comes out...

For a while now I have known what I really should be writing about and sharing.  It is what I always planned to write about.  Lately though it has been hard.  That painful part of my life, I haven't really wanted to relive.  But my prayer all along has been.."Lord, please use this.  Please do not let this be in vain. Please touch someone else's life with my experience."

I am not a professional writer.  I write because I need to.  All the madness that I live is made a little more clear when I write.  It is like God is clarifying my thoughts. I praise Him for that.  I need Him in that.

I know that I can not be silent about this anymore.  I know it is time to share my story, and for my prayer to be answered.  But it is like revisiting a bad dream, like remembering the devestation of a vast storm.  I know I need to do it and I want to, but it is not easy. 

I am so grateful for my friends and my family.  God has encircled me with love and accountability.  I am so grateful for Him. I am grateful that He has and is holding my hand all along the way.  I plan to start a new tab entitled 'The Truth Comes Out'.  In it you can follow my thoughts and my journey of this path I have been given.  I pray that you understand me a little better through it. I pray that you understand my illness a little better & I pray that you are more forgiving of those who have it.  For those of you like me, my prayer is this..that you too will see the need to be accountable to your own actions and behaviors, that you will see an opportunity to be an example and to help others. 

God says that He does not give us more than we can bear.  In a strange way, this is a huge compliment to all of us, because that means He knows that we are very strong - more strong than we know ourselves.  We are not broken, we are not less and we are very worthy; worthy of Him, worthy of Life and worth of Love.

God is Good. And this too shall the darkness of the storm.