Many years ago my cousin who loves to write, wrote about me. She described me as being strong, like a brick that others broke themselves against. I was flattered by her description and sweet words but I never understood what would make her describe me like this. I do not see myself as strong. I see myself as constantly struggling and constantly wanting to figure out the next step, not ever sure of what to do.
It is difficult for me at times. It is difficult for all of us. We all have our own reasons for distress and disbelief. Mine is the balancing and coping of everyday life. Sometimes I do great and really flourish, even receiving compliments from those around me. Other times I am harsh and distant, throwing hurtful words like arrows to the flesh. Every day for me though is like walking a tight rope or a balancing beam and across my shoulders is a beam that stretches the length of my arms, carrying the weight of emotions that come naturally to everyone else. On a calm day I have a lot to balance, but on a busy day or a day filled with stress and decision my risk of “falling” is traumatizing. I get panicky, harsh and jab at others to stay away. You are going to cause me to get off balance. You are going to cause me to fall. You are introducing harm and destruction to the harmonious balance I am trying to create.
I don’t know what my cousin was thinking when she wrote about my strength as though she admired me for it, because what I see is a broken little girl constantly trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered life and hold them together without anyone interfering in the process. I wish I was strong. I wish I was capable of so many of the things that I see others do. I wish I didn’t have to carry this “load”, this burden with me. But like I said before, we all have our own distress. We all have our own failures to overcome and challenges to face.
For me, it has just been a matter of accepting mine and learning to live with and in spite of them.
Laura “silly little girl” Menefee