Wading the storms of Life...together in word.

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Life is about desire

Photo by good friend and blogger

The last couple of weeks I have been at my breaking point with work and school.  I made the mistake of setting up a schedule that did not allow for any “fun” time.  That and the pressure of not having enough of me to go around has really been stressful, to the point that I have just wanted to quit.  Wanting to quit is something common for me.

When I was younger, I went to a school to be a hair stylist.  I stayed about 2 months.  I have worked as a secretary.  I have worked for an investment company, a hotel and as a home health aide.  Once I even worked for a Christian radio station.  That was a fun job, and one that I thought I would have for a really long time.  But even that job I left.

Nothing was right.  From the time that I was diagnosed, I never found anything that was worth working through. 

Last week, I felt so DONE.  My spirit and everything in me just broke.  I couldn’t care anymore.  I had to let everything go…at least in spirit.  I don’t know exactly what changed then but I knew that I wasn’t going to walk away.  All I could think in my frustration and annoyance was “I want to do this. I’m going to do this. I’m not giving up.” 

This is the first time since I was diagnosed that I feel this driven about what I am doing.

I think when bad things happen to you, you begin to feel defeated.  I know, for me, it was like trying to find something to prove that I belonged and was needed – that I wasn’t a failure or broken like I felt.  I didn’t really believe in myself, and I am only now beginning to learn how to.

I think after a time of feeling really defeated in life you need a moment that you have to push through, a moment where you have to really fight for what it is you want.  And sometimes that means realizing what it is you want.

For me, I want to be a nurse.  I will be a nurse and I will be good at it. 
Life is about chances.  It is about risks.  It is about faith.  Life is about desire.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Stand DONE on the Finish Line

My thoughts are just a blur.  The days are going quickly.  Time is running fast and running out.  There is still so much to do.  I worked today.  Sunday is my only off day but I worked because a coworker really needed me to.  My sister’s birthday was today also.  I took a quick shower, bought her gift and then went to spend a few hours with her and the boys to celebrate the day she came into this world. I love that girl!  I wish I could have spent more with her.  The night is almost over though and there is still so much more to do. 

I think what I like most about sitting at my computer and writing is the silence and solitude in it all. For one small moment all of the world stands completely still and all the thoughts, feelings, and unsure reactions to life begin to make sense.  Even if that sense is just the knowledge that in the end none of it matters. 

I want to be still so bad.  I want to go to the park and play ball with the boys or go out one Saturday night with the girls and get dressed up.  I want a lot of things.  Most of which you have heard me state many times before.  BUT, what I want right this minute is to just be done.  That would mean I got through it all, succeeded and stand “done” on the finish line, ready to finally live.  So I take a moment, just a moment, whenever I can and remind myself that, so that I can go another day.

“Wait upon the LORD.  Be strong & take heart and wait upon the Lord.”  Psalm 27:14