Stinky wrapped up mess

I woke up this morning thinking “shoot! I forgot to put my groceries away from work.”

I hoped that I was wrong. I had spent an hour cooking yesterday, part of which involved making cucumber salad with tiny diced up cucumbers, onion, and green pepper.  Sometimes I forget what I have done and I really hoped today was evidence of that.  But as I walked into the kitchen I could see my fully packed lunch basket that I carry everyday and the stench of onion filled the house.

Sometimes I fear that taking this time from school is like leaving my lunch on the table undelt with, at some point I am going to wake up with the stench of regret.  That is a thought and a fear but at the same time I know that I do not have the mental focus that I need right now to do the classes that I need to do. 

I have gotten support from so many people, even my college professor for that class I need to take.  My book is just barely started.  Granted, as I get going I am sure the notes and journal entries from years past will speed the process right along. 

I just don’t want to regret this. 

I don’t want to get finished or somewhat finished and realize that all I have is a “stinky mess” and a waste of time.  Is what I am doing really going to make a difference?  Is my book really a reality waiting to happen?  How do you know these things in life?  I guess you don’t.  I guess you take a chance on them right?  Take a chance…a leap of faith…a prayer that your time spent turns into a delicious meal versus a messed up regret.

You know, it really is true that if even one person finds hope, if even one person knows that they are not alone, then it has all been worth it.  In a way, I think this break from classes only grows my desire in a way that is needed to get through the remaining bulk.  Even in writing and even in sharing, I know I still want to be a nurse.  I still want to work with cancer patients, offering hope and the reminder that they too can face their storm.