Decisions...

Life is full of decisions.  We all have them, ranging from what to cook for dinner to "is this the job I should take?" or "the man I should marry?" 

I think our approach to answering these questions are fairly similar. Most of us look at life logically.  What makes the most sence?  What direction should I take is answered by a process "logically" drafted.  We look at the pros and the cons.  We compare and contrast.  We add up the benefits and the drawbacks trying to make the most amount of sence.

What if the decision we are needing to make though isn't grounded in logic?  What if the answer comes from a place that just doesn't make since or is not like ourseles?  Is it wrong?  A few months ago, I had a decision to make.  I felt that it was not wise to take classes. There was no logical reason to say that I shouldn't though.  I kept pressing through thinking that if that were really the case, God would present something logically to me so that I would have a valid reason not to.  He did not.  When it came right down to it, my classes were being scheduled and the fealing in the pit of my stomach was growing stronger. 

For me, I really debated all the odds.  What is the worst that would happen if I was in classes and something came into my life that made it unmanageble?  What would the consequences be?  How would I need to react?  Then I thought about the full effect of setting out a semester.  How would people see me?  Would they judge me, criticize me, call me a failure?  Would it really interferre with my course of becoming a nurse in a major way?

I only needed 2 classes but I had to have at least 2.  So when the knowledge came up that I could not get in the two computer class that I needed, I realized I had a split second to really decide.  I could push through and settle for an online course OR I could take the out that I was being given just trusting that there was a reason. 

I stood on faith and did not take either of the two classes.

For a moment, I feared that I had made a mistake and that I would regret it but then I found enouragement from a friend unexpectantly.  She told me a story about her brother who had a decision to make based on a "feeling" that did not make since to him.  He didn't listen to his feeling.  He went with logic and in return found himself falling out of a tree and landing with a broken back.  My friend's brother was fortunate.  He ended up being o.k.after some time in the hospital and some major pain. Had he only listened to that inconvenient nudging, though, he could have avoided this. 

I do not know the exact reasons for my nudging. Maybe there are more reasons than I realize.  I do know that it was best that I sat out though.  We don't always know what is ahead.  There are so many unexpected things that could happen at any given moment. Only God knows.  I really do believe that God gives us warnings about things. He speaks to our spirit in a way we don't fully understand.  He guides through our trust in Him and our willingness to listen to His truth.  The only way we know what is of Him is by being close to Him, being in His word, in prayer and in surrender of His will. 

I don't know about you but in my life, I want to be lead by the spirit. I want to head to His warnings and His guidance. I want to follow His lead.  I am seeing the importance of discernment.  I am seeing that in order to truly know His will, we have to learn to discern what is being said.  We have to test and approve. We have to trust and obey. And of course....we have to be willing.

Judgment…looking at someone at face value.

Picture by Judy Royal Glenn, author of http://walkbyfaithquestionsconcerningdeath.blogspot.com/

What is face value?  Well, according to the American Heritage Dictionary (2^nd Edition 1983), face value is “the value printed on a bill, bond, ect.”  To me though, face value is the value you give another human being based solely on what you see at that given moment.

I went to the library today. I haven’t been feeling well and was only planning to pick up lunch.  So instead of fixing my hair and wearing makeup, I grabbed a ball cap and just went. I had had a shower (good thing) but my hair was frizzy and I was dressed like a mixed matched hiker with white legs. We all have had moments like this haven’t we?  Going places looking horrible thinking no one will notice?   Well in my case, someone did.  The very librarian that has been overly friendly to me on my “dressed up days” now gave me a look like she couldn’t even stand to answer my question.  Her face was scowled, her eyebrows drawn, and her ‘should have been’ friendly smile was replaced with a snarl.  It actually made her look just as bad as me. The other gentleman helping didn’t seem to be bothered at all.  He was friendly and smiling, helpful and kind.  I walked out with a completely different impression of the “rude” librarian than I had had the several times before where she had been friendly.

What the librarian didn’t realize and what so many of us don’t realize is the damage that judgment causes. Because of her judgment, I am less liking to want to go to her for help in the future.    

I think we all judge to a certain degree.  We naturally have thoughts and opinions that come across in ways that we do not realize or maybe don’t care to realize. I think we need to be aware of it though, realizing the damage that it causes. 

In the past few years, I have been blessed by different friends and acquaintances coming to me with a burden they have had, asking for prayer and support. I have loved being able to be there for them and pray with them.  What has stood out to me, though, is the number of times that they have said, “I came to you because I knew you wouldn’t judge me.”  Wow!  First off, what a compliment and second off, they were right.  I had no reason to judge what they had gone through or were sharing.  I would have so missed out had I given them a reason to believe that I would have judged them in any way. 

I know a lot of people in my life that I “should” be able to go to.  I don’t though because I too receive judgment and criticism from them. I can see it in their eyes and the way they react to me or even how they listen or don’t listen.  You know who you can go to in life and who you can’t.

As the church, this must be our greatest flaw other than pride,.

Huge groups of people choose not to know Christ because of what they know about us. 

In the book, Unchristian by David Kinnaman and Gabe Lyons, we see the importance of laying our judgments down to truly “be in the world” being the hands and feet.  On page 132, they state “Christ calls His followers to be active missionaries to the culture.  This culture is offensive, but we cannot take offense.  It is increasingly hostile to Christians and to whom we claim to represent, but we cannot respond with anger when people express their skepticism, and we are not meant to be isolationists.  (meaning to separate entirely, even compared to being quarantined) Jesus described our role most succinctly; we are to be in but not of the world (see John 17:14-18)” 

I think often of the fact of Christ coming to earth.  I think we tend to ignore how drastically Christ came to us and met us in our sins and failures to show love and acceptance. He was God after all, living in heaven and yet still coming to this earth to reach us, love us and serve us.  How then do we have such a difficult time doing that for others? 

Please understand that I am not saying that we shouldn’t be set apart. The bible states clearly that we are set apart and that we should act like His children not doing the things we once did. To be set apart means not thinking and acting like we did before. It doesn’t mean not loving and accepting anymore.  We show evidence of pride as though we have accomplished our faith process.  Pride is never once accepted as a good quality according to scripture, and faith comes directly from Him and not of ourselves that we should brag about (Ephesians 2:8). 

 

My point is this.  When we judge others on face value, we are the ones that miss out.  We are the ones that fail to get the whole story and see the full worth of any person, and in the end we are the ones that look bad.  It is possible that some other reason caused this woman to react this way but I doubt it.  Her facial expression was pretty easy to read, as are so many others. 

What I know from my experience is that I have gained a lot in my painful times of working past other people’s judgments.  It has given me a strength that I need.  I know who I am. I know what I need to do, and I am not going to let someone else's ignorance keep me from doing it.

Don't Quit

“Don’t Quit when the tide is lowest, For it’s just about to turn; Don’t quit over doubts and questions, For there’s something you may learn.”

-          Jill Wolf

The last two days I have really been fearfully questioning what it is I am doing.  I have prayed over and over again, “what am I doing Lord?”  Every time I have thought or prayed that I have felt as though He was saying, “trusting me”.  Then it began to sound more like “trust me”.  Have you ever done anything in your life that you were not sure about doing?  It took quit a bit of surrender and following in a direction that you wouldn’t logically go in.  In the pit of your stomach (or heart) you knew you were suppose to but you couldn’t figure out why or how?

In the past few years, I have had numerous friends of mine get married.  All of them at some point wanting to walk away, and that is just in the first two years.  It has been such an eye opener for me.  In some of them, I honestly see their pain and their reasoning; knowing myself, that I would probably walk away too.  But I can’t help but encourage them to stay and work it out.

I look at my grandparents who have been gone now for over a year.  They had a love that all of us dream of, but it came with surrender and a choice not to quit.  When they were young and they had five young children, it was pretty much over for them.  They were even separated.  In their story though, God intervened.  The children ended up with encephalitis and in the hospital.  I know my mom nearly died and I think my uncle almost did too. It gripped my grandfather by the heart.  He fell to his knees and prayed that God would take him instead.  So He did.  My grandfather became a Christian and something in the marriage changed.   I honestly don’t think it was easy from that point out. I know numerous times they had arguments and times they didn’t talk, but it was the working through it that made them stronger.

I watched the movie Fireproof last night with Kirk Cameron. I have always loved him and still do. (smile) I also love this movie.  It shows that there are certain steps that we take or don’t take that make or ruin a relationship.  We are naturally selfish.  When we think we are being so giving and loving, there is usually some very self-centered thinking behind it.  He thought he was being very giving to provide but he didn’t realize the pain he was constantly putting his wife through with habits that he refused to give up. She also had areas to surrender. 

I also watched the movie Premonition.  It is kind of strange that it stands out to me as a movie on making a marriage work because it is a thriller that keeps you on the seat of your chair, but in the midst of it you see Sandra Bullock’s marriage as it is beginning to crumble.  Because of how it all plays out in her mind, she is able to see what is taking place before and while it does.  I don’t want to give too much away because it is a really good movie but I will say there is a scene closer to the end where her anger and resentment or distance to him is replaced by the gratefulness of the fact that he is there.  She comes to him so lovingly and in full surrender, removing his shoes and telling him in silence just how much she loves him. 

I think so many times we fail to say and truly show our love for someone because we cling to the hurt we have felt thinking that forgiveness will say it was all o.k.  But that is not what forgiveness is.  Forgiveness trumps the hurt and pain with a love that is beyond our-selves. That love is what accomplishes so much.  It is not of our-selves to forgive, but it is definitely to our benefit to do it. 

As I question where I am with this book and my writing and whether I am really on track with what I am doing, I know that I can not give up.  I have to put in my full effort.  I have to commit and stick with my commitment.  I have to overlook the times of feeling like a failure or being hurt by the pain of my past and know that there is a purpose to it.

Marriage is the same way.  Becoming one is just that, becoming one.  Getting a divorce or walking away doesn’t change that.  That hurt and pain will always be there. My parents divorced when I was 3 years old.  I am definitely proof of the brokenness it brings.  Overcoming those moments though by actively loving the other person and surrendering yourself builds a love that can only come from God.  It is the kind of love worth dying with.  Just like my grandparents did.

Stinky wrapped up mess

I woke up this morning thinking “shoot! I forgot to put my groceries away from work.”

I hoped that I was wrong. I had spent an hour cooking yesterday, part of which involved making cucumber salad with tiny diced up cucumbers, onion, and green pepper.  Sometimes I forget what I have done and I really hoped today was evidence of that.  But as I walked into the kitchen I could see my fully packed lunch basket that I carry everyday and the stench of onion filled the house.

Sometimes I fear that taking this time from school is like leaving my lunch on the table undelt with, at some point I am going to wake up with the stench of regret.  That is a thought and a fear but at the same time I know that I do not have the mental focus that I need right now to do the classes that I need to do. 

I have gotten support from so many people, even my college professor for that class I need to take.  My book is just barely started.  Granted, as I get going I am sure the notes and journal entries from years past will speed the process right along. 

I just don’t want to regret this. 

I don’t want to get finished or somewhat finished and realize that all I have is a “stinky mess” and a waste of time.  Is what I am doing really going to make a difference?  Is my book really a reality waiting to happen?  How do you know these things in life?  I guess you don’t.  I guess you take a chance on them right?  Take a chance…a leap of faith…a prayer that your time spent turns into a delicious meal versus a messed up regret.

You know, it really is true that if even one person finds hope, if even one person knows that they are not alone, then it has all been worth it.  In a way, I think this break from classes only grows my desire in a way that is needed to get through the remaining bulk.  Even in writing and even in sharing, I know I still want to be a nurse.  I still want to work with cancer patients, offering hope and the reminder that they too can face their storm.

Visit my blog...

http://bipolardisorderthestormwithin.blogspot.com/

personal in depth account of life with BD.

The Truth Comes out...

For a while now I have known what I really should be writing about and sharing.  It is what I always planned to write about.  Lately though it has been hard.  That painful part of my life, I haven't really wanted to relive.  But my prayer all along has been.."Lord, please use this.  Please do not let this be in vain. Please touch someone else's life with my experience."

I am not a professional writer.  I write because I need to.  All the madness that I live is made a little more clear when I write.  It is like God is clarifying my thoughts. I praise Him for that.  I need Him in that.

I know that I can not be silent about this anymore.  I know it is time to share my story, and for my prayer to be answered.  But it is like revisiting a bad dream, like remembering the devestation of a vast storm.  I know I need to do it and I want to, but it is not easy. 

I am so grateful for my friends and my family.  God has encircled me with love and accountability.  I am so grateful for Him. I am grateful that He has and is holding my hand all along the way.  I plan to start a new tab entitled 'The Truth Comes Out'.  In it you can follow my thoughts and my journey of this path I have been given.  I pray that you understand me a little better through it. I pray that you understand my illness a little better & I pray that you are more forgiving of those who have it.  For those of you like me, my prayer is this..that you too will see the need to be accountable to your own actions and behaviors, that you will see an opportunity to be an example and to help others. 

God says that He does not give us more than we can bear.  In a strange way, this is a huge compliment to all of us, because that means He knows that we are very strong - more strong than we know ourselves.  We are not broken, we are not less and we are very worthy; worthy of Him, worthy of Life and worth of Love.

God is Good. And this too shall pass.....like the darkness of the storm.

Loving the Important things of life....

There is such a beauty in this place.  Day in and day out we run around with the important tasks of the day, feeling as though we will never get it all done.  I am as bad as the next guy, sometimes worse.  When I get overwhelmed with my impossible to do list, I franticly tell everyone "but I have this, this, and this to do".  Ignoring the fact that they really don't care because they also have this, this, and this to do.

Why do we feel all of "this" is so important?

One of my to dos is to write my very first book.  I have wanted to do this for several years now. Now I am in a place that God has clearly said "this is the time".  My prayer was not to miss it.  "Lord, please do not let me push writing out of the way out of business." 

With being a student and setting a semester out, I realize the value of this little bit of time I have to really get started.  I have the opportunity in front of me to let God move and work through me or to make excuse after excuse and find the time pass me by with nothing to show for it.  Maybe your thing is not a book.  Maybe your thing is a parent that needs you or a child that rarely gets to spend time with you but will be grown soon.  There are so many choices we make each day. 

I don't know about you but I would really like to learn not to let "important" things stand in the way of IMPORTANT things.  I love this place too, this place of solitude, this place of accepting, realization, growth, healing and just down right intimacy with the One True Living God!....mmmm..God is good, so good.