Pile of books....my book.

I look at the pile of books stacked on my dresser, then to the left to those stacked on the floor.  There are so many of them, sitting there as though they were easy to create.  Each one filled with numerous pages of valid information, stories of expression and hope or guidance for the road I hope to take.  How do you get to this place?  How do you get to the place were you have a finished piece of work like these beautiful items setting before me?

It has been my goal for several years now to write and share my story.  I have been told over and over by so many that they would like to hear it.  They want to read it.  There is a curiosity there that even I want to know.  What is my life?  What has it been?  What is it going to be?  I think of the young speaker and writer that have influenced many.  He is a deep encouragement to me now.  His name is Nick Vujicic.  His story is not like mine but then again it is.  A lot of us who write have the same over all story.  This is my life. This is what happened to me.  This is what I overcame and what I hope for you to take away from my experience.  I know it sounds very lame to state it all like that.  But these sentences are what make me think, What makes my story any different?  What makes my words any more valuable than those that are not printed?

There is a doubt in me that overcomes me like a cloud of despair.  I know it is typical for all writers to have these difficult thoughts. “You don’t really have a book.”  “You just think you are better than you really are, more important.”  “When you really start this, you will realize what a fraud you are.  That is what this is all about.  This is just to prove that you are wrong and you are not all that you think you are meant to be.”

There is such a part of me that wants to stop now and say, “I am not who I thought I was. I am no one special. I don’t have anything major to offer. I’m sorry that I thought I did.”  If I don’t put myself out there, if I don’t risk, I don’t have anything to loose…..WRONG!!!  I have everything to loose.  I am going to prove myself wrong. I am going to work through my self doubt.  I am going to write my story and if no one other than my close friends and family read it than at least it was done and I did not chicken away from the idea of failure.   Lord Jesus, please help me.

Laura ~

Living in a moment of AWE!

It has been several days since I have posted. I have not been very good about staying consistent, and as I have seen more blogs by others I am realizing that there are so many changes I would like to make. 

But for now….I will just say this.  “What is there really to say?”

I don’t really mean that there is nothing to write or talk about. I don’t mean that there isn’t something of great need and value to pray.  We all know that there definitely is.  What I do mean is …

…..I sat down a moment ago to pray and realized I needed not to pray.  I sat down just now to think and talk to God only to realize that the silent stillness is all that needed to really take place.  What could give God more pleasure than to simply be still and know that He is God.  What a beautiful expression of love and praise.  What a moment of peace and acceptance!  What a moment of full trust and reverence!  It is like something so pure and spectacular that there are not words to give it justice and you must just sit in awe. 

God the Father, God the Son (Christ Jesus) and the Holy Spirit deserves our awe!

Do not let the sun go down upon your anger....Fighting the Marriage War.

“God calls us to make love the core principle of our life. Marriage is the place for us to express love in the fullest manner.  The kind of love God calls us to is more than a feeling, although that’s an important aspect of it. More importantly, it means serving our spouse with a sacrificial attitude and putting their needs before our own. It also means opening our life so they know us completely.  Love should undergird everything we do. Even when we disagree, we can do so with an attitude of RESPECT AND LOVE.”

..Love & Cherish @2008 Lighthouse Christian Products……….

This is on a card I got at the Berean Christian bookstore today that on the reverse side quotes …”live a life of love…Ephesians 5:2”.  

Once I asked a friend about the concern of working through a fight or even “dead moment” in a marriage.  “How do you not let the sun go down upon your anger?  How do you work through the major issues of marriage without letting the very place you rest – your own bed be a war zone?”

This has been one of my big concerns in marriage.  My home is really my haven. It is where I come to relax, recoup, and prepare for everyday life. I do not want my home or especially my own bed to be a war zone with the person I am suppose to love and ‘live for.’  His response was that even when you don’t “feel” like it, you put the other person first. You do something for them that is outside of yourself but meets their deepest need. 

This act of sacrificial love is apparently what it takes to break the brokenness of the original hardened moment.  It sounds so easy on paper.  Will I actually accomplish it though in life?  I guess only time and trial will tell, right?  I pray that you have and are finding success in that today.

Strength

Many years ago my cousin who loves to write, wrote about me.  She described me as being strong, like a brick that others broke themselves against.  I was flattered by her description and sweet words but I never understood what would make her describe me like this.  I do not see myself as strong. I see myself as constantly struggling and constantly wanting to figure out the next step, not ever sure of what to do.

It is difficult for me at times. It is difficult for all of us.  We all have our own reasons for distress and disbelief.  Mine is the balancing and coping of everyday life.  Sometimes I do great and really flourish, even receiving compliments from those around me.  Other times I am harsh and distant, throwing hurtful words like arrows to the flesh.  Every day for me though is like walking a tight rope or a balancing beam and across my shoulders is a beam that stretches the length of my arms, carrying the weight of emotions that come naturally to everyone else.  On a calm day I have a lot to balance, but on a busy day or a day filled with stress and decision my risk of “falling” is traumatizing.  I get panicky, harsh and jab at others to stay away.  You are going to cause me to get off balance. You are going to cause me to fall.  You are introducing harm and destruction to the harmonious balance I am trying to create.

I don’t know what my cousin was thinking when she wrote about my strength as though she admired me for it, because what I see is a broken little girl constantly trying to pick up the pieces of her shattered life and hold them together without anyone interfering in the process.  I wish I was strong.  I wish I was capable of so many of the things that I see others do.  I wish I didn’t have to carry this “load”, this burden with me.  But like I said before, we all have our own distress.  We all have our own failures to overcome and challenges to face.

For me, it has just been a matter of accepting mine and learning to live with and in spite of them.

Laura “silly little girl” Menefee

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/bipolar_disorder_diagnosis_treatment.htm

A Beautiful Mind

I have to admit. The first time I tried to watch “A Beautiful Mind” was when it was in theatres and it lost my interest early on.  I walked out of the theater not even regretting the money I lost by not finishing the movie.  Even now, it can be hard to get through the beginning, but as the drama continues there is an awe that begins to capture you and reel you in.  John Nash was a famous Mathematician.  His discovery while studying at Princeton lead to a change in the field of economics.  He then went on to teach and even earn the Noble Prize in economics.  His history and life is without a doubt impressive. 

What captures audiences in this film about his life though is his struggle with mental illness.  John Nash was diagnosed with schizophrenia after being hospitalized by the encouragement of his wife.  John not only had to accept and face his illness, but he had to overcome it by continually seeking treatment and recognizing the difference between delusions/fantasy and real life.  His life was not easy. Nor was his wife’s but together they fought a good fight and in my mind they won.

There is one line where Russel Crowe who plays Nash states to his long time friend after being asked if he is still affected by the delusions/hallucinations…

            …”They are my past, Martin.  Everybody is haunted by their past.”

Now when I see this movie, I see the brilliance that comes out in the end as his life made such a difference to so many. He really was successful despite the difficulty that he had to face on a daily basis.  

None of us have it easy.  We all have our own difficulties and challenges, but what of that?  Are they not there for any other reason than to define our full potential and capabilities?  We are greater than that which we have been dealt.

If you haven’t seen this movie, I hope that you choose to see it now.

Technique of Victory

"So often, when facing our own giants, we forget what we ought to remember, and we remember what we ought to forget. We remember our defeats, and we forget the victories. Most of us can recite the failures of our lives in vivid detail, but we're hard-pressed to name the specific, remarkable victories God has pulled off in our past."
This is taken from an email from Chuck Swindoll (Insight for Today) entitled "Unique Techniques"
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
     I have really come to enjoy watching the pros play golf.  I'm not sure why I like it so much.  I think it has to do with the great talent involved.  These skilled sportsman take a little tiny ball and with a long skinny stick hit it several hundred yards away as close as they can and sometimes directly into a little tiny whole.  It amuses me just restating it like that. 

   One thing I have noticed though is the mindset that they choose to have in the process.  Every single one of them states how they have made it a strong point not to think of the times before when they failed with a bogie or bad stroke.  They instead focus on what they know they can achieve. 

   I don’t know about you but I always make it a habit to think of past failures.  I allow them into today’s thoughts and expectations and I loose to them over and over again.  It is a sad process really.  I fairly recently rec’d advice from a friend stating, “keep your eyes on God and what He is calling you to do and don’t think of those situations or the people in them.”  That statement has really impacted me, and even though it is a constant challenge to think like that.  I have made it a determination to do just that. 

   I don’t think that David thought about all the times he missed the mark as he stood up to Goliath.  I think he made it a point to know and think of how BIG GOD is and what he is capable of.  Then he just did it.  What is your giant today?  Is there anything that you are letting hold you back?

                               

The Exodus

Exodus is a book in the bible going over the account of Moses.  It also means to leave or mass departure (The American Heritage Dictionary).  As I study the book of Exodus and the story of Moses, the terms and ideas of Redemption, deliverance, and forgiveness engulf my heart.  There is something I am meant to see here, something that I am meant to learn.

We as Christians are so use to these terms.  We hear them all the time and for the most part think we know what they mean. But as they are standing out to me more and more, I really wonder how well we know them.  As I read through these chapters and gain new insight to what God is showing me, I want to share it with all of you.  If you have a different opinion or a question, or a thought of any kind I ask that you leave it in a comment.  I would really like for this to be a discussion board as well as a post.

As you already know, I do not have all of the answers but in being in fellowship together, I believe those answers and God's clarity begins to manifest.

I wish you all well and will be praying for you and we take this voyage through the great Exodus!

Laura~