Paralyzing Fear

            What is the scariest thing you have ever had to do?

Several years ago, I worked with a great group of kids as a youth sponsor at our church.  It was a great time in my life.  Those kids were amazing.  I remember one event consisted of a weekend long “campout” of all kinds of great activities and moments to really think about Christ and who we are in Christ.  One event was a zip-line. 

It looked simple enough.  A chair-like harness that zipped down through the trees and onto solid ground, it looked like a big swing almost.  I definitely wanted to do it. My kids (most of which who had already gone), stood on the solid green cheering me on.  As I climbed up this steep hillside, my whole perspective began to change. 

“What was I doing?”

This looked a little bit steeper than I had expected it to look.  This is just a hillside.  Its not like I am in the jungle or over large buildings.  I feel a little silly about being so scared.  So of course I continued.  What else was I going to do?

By the time I got up to the platform, I thought “I can NOT do this! What was I thinking?”

I asked the guy helping us get harnessed, “Has anyone else backed out of this at the last moment.”

 

He said with all seriousness, “No, you’d be the first!”

My kids were standing on the green yelling, “Laura! Wahoo, go Laura.”  How could I let them down?  How could I let them see my fear?

So, I did the unthinkable.  I let that guy strap that little chair-like harness to me and I JUMPED. 

On the way down, I sounded ridiculous screaming to the tops of my lungs. It was fun though. I just kept my eye on the “prize”, that little safe green patch of grass with all the people I loved routing me on. 

Am I glad I did that jump that day? Definitely!  Am I willing to do it again?  I so hope so!

I'm facing a different type of "jump" today and all my desires to do it are suddenly turning to doubt and fear.   Do I really need to do this?  I could stay in my safe, familiar place of friends and family but what all would I be missing?  I have a feeling I would miss out on way more than I could even imagine while standing here in this "safe place" of fear and regret. 

So, am I going to jump? I sure hope so!!

 

New Found Thought!

about 3 years ago when I should have changed my mindset.  Don't loose you life/time by wasting it foolishly!

I like to be healthy.  I like to run, walk, hike and even eat well.

My problem is that I also like to eat BADLY and neglect my interest in activity.

Lately at times, my eating habits have been even worse because I know that I am ready to start eating right.  Does that make any sense?  (I don’t think so!)

I cram in that last opportunity to eat unhealthy knowing that what I am about to do is cut out unhealthy eating opportunities.   The feast before the famine mind set.

This morning in my quiet time and writing, I opened up a book that I was wanting to read through by Stormie Omartian called The Power of a Praying Life. Her books are great by the way.  She has so much faith and so much knowledge and is just so humble yet direct in her words. 

Well, today, of all the areas that I could read about prayer, I opened up directly to chapter 20, “Treat Your Body As Though It Belongs To God”. 

O.K., as if that weren’t direct enough.   

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So, why do I run to unhealthy eating?  Why do I not value myself more? 

I can’t really answer that and I don’t think answering it is going to help me any, because as long as it is “mine”, I will do with it as I please.  But this new thinking of it being God’s, changes my thinking quite a bit. 

If I stop believing that this is mine (my body/my health) and started seeing it fully in the truth that it is His. I am only borrowing it, I will treat it better.  If I see it as something that God has only loaned me, and I have to give it back with explanation as to why I treated it the way that I did, won’t I treat it completely different, choosing to look at the big picture and not just the immediate gratification?

I like to be healthy. I like to be active.  Choosing to eat poorly keeps me from getting to have either of these two things in my life.  It is time to put some action in place. I have my first 5k run in August with some good friends.  I have four months to work toward my goal and make some changes. 

Being healthy isn’t just about eating right.  It involves a lot of different factors.

Are there any changes you would like to make?  If God was sitting right next to you, saying, “what are you doing to my body?”  What would you say? -  just a thought!

I wish you well in your new found thought.  I pray success over you all.

Taking the Leap

http://seeingthroughgodseyesphotos.blogspot.com/2013/04/he-is-risen.html?spref=fb

About 5 years ago, I had a friend staying with me for just a few months.  I lived in a cute little house that I was renting while working for an investment firm.  She worked there with me and was getting married soon.  She wanted to cut expenses and live minimally until the big day just to prepare for stepping out into her new future.

It was such a privilege to get to spend that time with her.   

Today I came across a note that she had left me so many years ago.  She tore a page out of my journal and referenced a verse that reminded her of me.  The verse was Exodus 4:1-3 where God was telling Moses to “go” and was reminding him that He would take care of the details. 

My friend stated, “God has a great sense of humor and an uncanny ability to give us the “signs” we need to confirm the extraordinary!”

I love her words in that statement! How true. 

Recently an “idea” was presented to me that I have prayed and hoped for, for a long time.   

I know for my friend, in the process of her marriage, doubted at times “is this really it? Can I really marry this man?”  I know that because everyone has those thoughts.  I also know that it was something that she had desired and prayed about for a very long time and when this boy came into her life for the first time, I remember very clearly how she reacted.  He was not just any boy to her.  He was definitely much more.

If she would have clung to her uncertainty or fears, she would have missed one the greatest and most challenging moves of her life. 

I do not want to miss the greatest and most challenging moves of my life either!  I know that I am meant to do this.  It has been engraved in me for many years without much reasoning.  Now that it is standing before me like a promise made in Heaven, I am ready to take the leap.  I don’t know how all the details will work out but I know that my God has already proven provident in the steps that have taken place thus far and I know that all that remains lies in the palms of His hands.

How exciting!  To live and step out in faith and to know that great things are taking place right in front of you, right with you.  This indeed is extraordinary!

Praising in the Pain...A Heart of Worship

Photo by Judy Royal Glenn ...http://seeingthroughgodseyesphotos.blogspot.com

Have you ever praised God in the midst of your pain?  

Recently I found myself in a very disappointing, heart breaking place.  A friend had introduced me to a guy that I agreed to meet.  I didn’t think much of it.  These things never seem to work out, but to my surprise I really ended up liking this guy.

He had a lot of qualities that I had prayed for but on top of that I really enjoyed my time with him.  He felt like an old friend, and a good friend.  Plus I was really attracted to him.

After a few days where there was some minor contact, there came several days where there was no contact.  I realized there was no interest there on his part and that he just didn’t have the heart to tell me (which I really hate).  I had to accept my rejection and move forward. 

The only problem was that it hit a key disappointment that I already had.  Why wasn’t I married yet?  I have agreed to serve you Lord in every way that I know how.  I have given you my heart. I have given you my life and I try to be as obedient to your will and plan as I know how.  So why are you withholding this from me?  Why don’t you want this for me right now?

My heart cried out, while breaking inside.  As I stood in the elevator at work holding back tears I stated, “I will praise you Lord.  In the midst of what I feel and where I am, I will praise you.” 

I don’t normally do that.  Normally I get mad and hurt and pout about where He has me and what He is doing or not doing.   Job reacted similarly in chapter 40 of the book of Job.  After all that he went through, God addressed him and his reaction was to be silent.  As God continued to address who He himself was and who Job was not, Job’s silence turned to praise (Job 42:1-6).  He praised God in the midst of all that he had lost.  In that he found freedom and new life. 

For me, I had an experience like I had not had before.  My aching heart seemed to be sealed by His never failing love.  As I walked off the elevator and onto the floor where I worked, I had no idea what my moment of praise was doing inside me.  Several moments later, I realized how much better I felt. My heart had been healed. It felt so nice to have that healing, and to know that He met me in that place with compassion and not just correction.

I have never been good at praising God in the midst of my sorrow.  Normally I will surrender to God but it is in a pouting, disappointed nature.  I never fully realized the power of praising Him.  Now I plan to do that in the midst of all my storms.

Laura Menefee ~

The Ways of God

Charlie is sitting here next to me. Most the time I do not let him in here, in my room, but sometimes I will if he listens and doesn’t get into things.  I love that he likes to be where I am.  Sometimes it can be annoying.  Sometimes he sniffs everything I am trying to do and I just have to say “Stop”.  But the fact that he wants to be near me, is the evidence of his love and admiration for me.  That I love.  So seeing him go against his strong desires of getting up and sniffing out every new thing that he has not explored yet, just to sit quietly next to me is nice.

I love dogs.  I have always loved dogs and have wanted one of my own for a long time.  I couldn’t afford to get one though because of the hours that I am away and because of the responsibility they are.  They need attention.  It is not fair to them to have them in your life if you don’t ever plan to give them what they need.

As I sat here, stroking his head and he just grunted with the feel of being petted and doted over, I noticed his feet.  I noticed how the bones in his legs and feet move in such a way to perform exactly the way that they need to.  God is so precise in how He creates or orchestrates anything.  One area of life or physical quality fits so uniquely into another.  Everything has a rhyme and reason, a purpose, a plan.  Everything is set into motion by the moving of His hand.

We serve a God of great creativity.

Great brilliance.

Great Ability.

Great Love.

And Great Reason.

It is easy to want to take life into our own hands and try to determine how we believe it should be, but life was laid out by the one person or being that knew best and does best.

This is scripture that I have liked for a while.  I think it is appropriate for this message so I am going to share it with you.

“There are three things that are too amazing for me, four that I do not understand:  the way of an eagle in the sky, the way of a snake on a rock, the way of a ship on the high seas, and the way of a man with a maiden.”  Proverbs 30:18-19

I want Him!

Psalm 46:10 is scripture that we all know too well, “Be still and know that I am God”.

Lately being still doesn’t seem like something I have much time for.  Between work, school, errands, dishes, laundry; there really isn’t much time left over. I’m sure you all identify all too well.

It is easy to let church time, bible study time, and just good old girl friends talking time be my main times with God.  But I know my heart needs more.  My life needs it too.

This morning, in my rush to get ready and leave, I was slowed by the process of a bloody nose. (I know, gross!)  I did not have time to deal with that then, but I didn’t have any choice either. As I sat and applied pressure, I grabbed my bible. Obviously He was trying to get me attention. 

I turned to Psalm 91.  He reminded me of the power He has by showing me the first verse in this chapter.  “He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”

“He who dwells”….He who comes to me…He who sits by me…He who clings to me…..He is who will find rest in me.  I need to be in His word. I need that alone time with Him, apart from everyone else. 

I need Him, not because I can’t do it on my own but because with Him everything is so much better.  He calms my heart.  He gives me peace and even understanding.  He is my refuge and my strength.  He has lead me and prepared things for me that only He could of done. He never ceases to amaze me. 

Photo by Judy Royal Glenn..http://www.walkbyfaithquestionsconcerningdeath.blogspot.com/

 I don’t want to leave Him out anymore, or even think that what I have is good enough.  I need more.  I want the REST that comes in being with Him and pursuing Him everyday.

I want Him.

Free Failling...Fear or Faith?

From an excerpt of the book The Ways of God (Finding Purpose Through Your Pain)

By Cherie Hill

“We made plans for our lives, but He’s determining our steps and taking us to places we never wanted to go.”

“Proverbs 16:9 NLT ..We can make plans, but the Lord determines our steps.”

“We find ourselves taking the very next step in front of us, only to find our feet knocked out from under us.  How can we trust a God that is constantly bringing us to our knees in helpless desperation?  We decide to take the journey of life with Him and He brings us to the edge of a cliff.  We find ourselves at the edge, consumed with fear, and God seems to push us right off; we’re helpless and hopeless and free falling into the abyss of darkness.  What kind of loving God does this?”

{Laura(me):  Cherie wrote the book that I am planning to write! I love her words and the truth that comes with it.  This passage stood off the page and made me say Wow!

I have a friend who loves birds.  She photographs them all of the time.  To her there is something majestic there. For me, I would agree.  There is something different about the life of a bird than from any other creature.  They trust God every day for providing the needs they have that very day and they soar in the faith of their wings like the rest of us only dream of.  But as I read this passage and related so much to the imagery of fear and pain that comes with God pushing you further and further past your “breaking point”, I saw the safe cliff that we stand on as believers.  Our trust is in it more so than in God.  Our trust is in where our feet are planted.

What is this abyss?  It is the realization that the cliff we clung to is more our death than the fall we have faced that has just set us free.  God wants us to see that we can “fly” in the “bosoms of His breast”.  He is the one that truly provides everything we need or desire, everything!  He has given us life. He is in the end the one that will take our life and He determines the steps in between.

We have no reason to live in fear.  Like the small bird pushed from the nest by its very own loving mother. We can embrace that “fall” knowing in full faith that our Father in Heaven has us.}

…So, what kind of loving God does this?... "Evidently one that’s teaching us to trust Him.”

Word for the Year

A moment ago, I was prompted to give my choice of a WORD that I wanted to be my word for 2013. 

This word was to be a word of emphasis, focus, clarity, reflection and even direction for me through out 2013.  So many had already chosen their words, words like impact, go, humility, courage and uniquely – margin.  But what was my word?  So many words could fit to be my focus for the year and for my life; so many areas to choose from to impact how I choose to live my life everyday.

As I read through the post that brought all of this to mind, an image of a dictionary stared at me from the corner of the page.  The WORD in it that was highlighted was CHOICE.  That was my word. 

The whole last part of 2012 I have thought and whined about how what I really want to do is be married and have a baby, and how I wish school was over so that I could live my life the way that I really wanted to.  I have been living in discontentment.

None of us are intended to live in discontentment.  God has given us way too much, to choose to look at it with the wrong perspective. 

That was my problem. I chose the wrong perspective.  When I thought about all that I had in my life and all that I wanted thrown out onto the table like cards to choose from, I realized I am right where I need to be.  Sure I want to be married and sure I want to have a baby, but those “cards” do not fit in the game just yet.  I also want to be a nurse. I also want to finish my degree and be settled in a job with a decent income so that when that husband and baby come along, I can actually spend time with them.

Sometimes our lives seem disappointing because we choose to let them.  Sometimes, if we really think about it, we will find that we are right where we need or want to be. 

So my challenge to you: what is your WORD for the year?  What is the one thing that you want to think upon or act in?

Attitude or Gratitude???

                I am so mad at myself.  I have a class now where the total grade revolves around 4 quizes and 3 midterms.  My last midterm (our first one), I did way worse on than I had expected.  I was sure that I had at least a “B” even though what I really wanted and needed was an “A”.  I instead had a low “C”.

                Part of my problem is that I had been moving and did not study until the night before and only for an hour or two.  I thought I had a way better handle on the material than I really did, which leads to my other problem, my attitude.  I had gotten arrogant about how much I already knew, and thinking that things were going to be much easier for me than they ended up being.  Not that it is an easy class but I had already learned in previous classes this same material.

                The biggest problem I believe has been my attitude, and today’s event pulled me down further to a reality I needed.  This morning I had my third Quiz.  Last night I went over the material again and had planned to even get up early to study a little more.  I need to raise my grade from my last midterm.

I didn’t get up early though.  I wasn’t late but I felt like I had more time than I really did.  Eight a.m. became 8:17 am and then it was 10 till 9am before I left. 

There are two “rules” for this class.  Midterms/quiz’s can not be made up if missed AND if you arrive after the first person leaves, you are not permitted to take the test.

I got to the parking lot 5 minutes after class started.  It would have been another 5 minutes to walk in the door.  I had missed my opportunity.  I couldn’t believe it.  I never expected to be late.  I had every expectation on being early and even studying a little more.   So where exactly did I go wrong?

I took for granted where I was and where I needed to be.  I thought “I had it”.  I met someone else recently that had that same attitude.  This person had no room to learn or improve because in everything presented to her, she had the attitude “ya, ya, I got this” when really she didn’t. 

I don’t want that same attitude getting in the way of my possibilities in life.  This may seem like a silly analogy to you, especially with whatever you may be facing.  But for me, it loudly shouted “check yourself”.  So that is what I am going to do, here and in a few other areas too. 

Does Communication ever frustrate you?

I say that redundantly because if you are at all human, it obviously does.  In fact if you are anything living, I would say that it does (cat, a fish, even a mouse).

Communication is clearly important.  It would literally be impossible to live with out it.  After all, we do depend on one another, do we not?  And that depending involves communicating.

I am not a good communicator.  I wish I were. I even wanted a degree in communication at one time and even now I think of days when I hope to speak to people communicating my story.  But I am not the best listener.  My thoughts run rapid in my mind and I am easily distracted by anything going on around me.  I loose interest quickly if not held by depth of thought. I frustrate others.  I know this because many of them have even told me.

Today while having lunch with a friend, I found myself so annoyed when I walked away.  Nothing bad happened or was said to cause either of us to get upset with the other, but how things were said I believe upset us both a little.  Today isn't the first time either. This happens almost all the time with this friend.

She drags out everything she states, and even though I let her know that I get what she is saying she continues to explain or state it in a way that takes unnessary time and energy to get a point across that I have made clear I already get.  She gets frustrated with me as I try to move the conversation along or eventually try to change the subject altogether.  But I get to the point of not even wanting to listen when I feel like she is talking only because she wants to and not because it is an actual conversation with me.


I obviously don't state this to insult my friend.  She is dear to me and I am very grateful for her friendship, but I sit here and think about why communication is important and what is most important about it?  How do we not let our own differences bring division?  How do we enjoy relationships or accomplish saying what needs to be said, without the frustration of not being heard getting in the way?

How do you communicate when it is clear to you both that you really do not know how to communicate?

"For Better or Worse"

Are these words not being said in wedding ceremonies anymore?  “In sickness and in health, till death do you part.”

Now, I’m not married and even though I want to be, I seriously question my willingness to stick it out when faced with a time of really not loving my husband, or just being completely disgusted or disappointed by him. So, the idea of walking away I definitely get.  That is probably why I haven’t done it yet.  But there is a reason that we said these vows so long ago and why they are called vows.

What kind of commitment do you have if it is superficial, if you know that it is only based on you being a certain way at a certain time?

“I’m not going to love you or stand by you if you get sick.  I’m sorry that just inconveniences me.”

“I’m just not attracted to you now that you have gained 20 pounds.  I’m sorry.”

“We are just not the same people anymore.”

“I just don’t love you like I use to.”

Marriage isn’t something that is built for just a season.  It isn’t something established to revolve around you.  Marriage is a commitment, an involvement, a follow through.  When you get married, it is with the intention that things will change.  Your feelings will change.  Your looks will change.  My grandparents are beautiful people, but they did not look the same at the end of their life as when they first married, but their love was stronger than it had ever been.  And it is a guarantee that you will fall out of love with your spouse.  I say that because to us, love is a feeling and feelings change.  There are no guarentees with feelings. The truth is that LOVE is an act.  It is something you choose to do even when you don’t feel like doing it.  It is something that grows deep with nurture and care.  The more hard times you go through and work through, the more deeply rooted your Love becomes.

And this is the love we all want, whether we admit it or not.  To love without loss.  To love without regret.  To love without fear of losing. To love and to grow.  To love and to trust.  Love that walks away is never love like this. 

The real question in any marriage is how deep of a love do you really want, and what are you willing to do to have that kind of love?

Out of the Mouth of Mary Magdalene

Photographer unknown

Out of the Mouth of Mary Magdalene

Mary Magdalene was a woman that had 7 demons in her.  Seven foul retched demons plaguing and destroying her life.  She knew Christ and his love and his healing touch.  He delivered her from these demons and because of this, she followed and served him.  Mary was one of many woman that followed Jesus and cared for his needs both as he followed the path of the cross and before as he traveled and preached. 

Mary loved and knew him.  With everything in her, she wanted to serve him.

When Jesus died, she was there to watch him draw his last breath and when he rose again, she was the one that was greeted by angels and by the Living Christ. 

Mary Magdalene was a very special woman.  She was the first one to see the living Lord on the very first Easter Sunday ever.

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(John 20:14-18)

“At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

            “’Woman,’ he said, ‘why are you crying?  Who is it you are looking for?’  Thinking he was the gardener, she said, ‘Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him.”

            “Jesus said to her, ‘Mary’”

            “She turned to him and cried out in Aramaic, ‘Rabboni!’ (which means teacher)”

            “Jesus said, ‘Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father.  Go instead to my brothers and tell them, ‘I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’”

“Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: ‘I have seen the Lord!”

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Christ lived and died so that we may know him and live eternally with him.  He gave all that he was.  Easter is not just about beautiful dresses on cute little girls or handsome young men in suits.  It is not about acknowledge him for just that one day to turn and forget about him tomorrow.  Easter is about remembering who He is and who He has always been.  Easter is about who we are to Him.  All of us are Mary Magdalene’s in Christ’s eyes.  All of us are worth the price He paid.  And all of us have something very special to be thankful for.

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Do you know Christ?  I know it is easy to read this and say “this is for those  type of people, not for me”.  Mary Magdalene is proof that Christ’s death was for you and everyone!  Knowing Him is like nothing else.  He loves in a way like no one else is able to.  I know, we as Christians, make constant mistakes.  We say the wrong thing. We are selfish, rude, very proud, sometimes just unloving and unfriendly.  We are NOT Him.  He is more than we could ever be.  Please do not let us and our bad behaviors keep you from knowing a man that can save your life and who loves you more than anyone anywhere.

 (additional scripture on Jesus’ death…..Matthew 27 & 28; Mark 15 & 16;  Luke 8:2, 23, & 24)

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Who are you REAL with?

Photo by blogger http://walkbyfaithquestionsconcerningdeath.blogspot.com/

Today I shared my feelings and thoughts with someone that I later wondered if whether it was a bad mistake.  I showed great weakness, not more than anyone else experiences but most people choose not to show it. Most people are smart not to show it.  There are only few people in our lives that we can afford to be 100% transparent with.  They are usually our closest of friends.

There are sometimes though that I feel our emotions are on surface level and the least little provoking will pull them out. 

For me, I was fortunate.  Apparently the one that I was so open with is someone that is really considered trustworthy and will not repeat it all as gossip.  That is a relief.  But one thing I noticed was when I opened up to a stranger who was curious, I didn’t get near as much relief as when I opened up to my good friend just moments later. My friend cared and her compassion was healing whereas the "stranger" was friendly, she was more curious than connected.

I needed to cry.  I needed to let my thoughts and feelings out, to fully express them.  My dear friend gave me that opportunity.  After my conversation with her, I felt a sense of relief that I needed.

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 Who do you open yourself up to?  Do you open up?  Or do you block yourself off saying "I'm o.k." I have it all together"?

Life is about desire

Photo by good friend and blogger http://walkbyfaithquestionsconcerningdeath.blogspot.com/

The last couple of weeks I have been at my breaking point with work and school.  I made the mistake of setting up a schedule that did not allow for any “fun” time.  That and the pressure of not having enough of me to go around has really been stressful, to the point that I have just wanted to quit.  Wanting to quit is something common for me.

When I was younger, I went to a school to be a hair stylist.  I stayed about 2 months.  I have worked as a secretary.  I have worked for an investment company, a hotel and as a home health aide.  Once I even worked for a Christian radio station.  That was a fun job, and one that I thought I would have for a really long time.  But even that job I left.

Nothing was right.  From the time that I was diagnosed, I never found anything that was worth working through. 

Last week, I felt so DONE.  My spirit and everything in me just broke.  I couldn’t care anymore.  I had to let everything go…at least in spirit.  I don’t know exactly what changed then but I knew that I wasn’t going to walk away.  All I could think in my frustration and annoyance was “I want to do this. I’m going to do this. I’m not giving up.” 

This is the first time since I was diagnosed that I feel this driven about what I am doing.

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I think when bad things happen to you, you begin to feel defeated.  I know, for me, it was like trying to find something to prove that I belonged and was needed – that I wasn’t a failure or broken like I felt.  I didn’t really believe in myself, and I am only now beginning to learn how to.

I think after a time of feeling really defeated in life you need a moment that you have to push through, a moment where you have to really fight for what it is you want.  And sometimes that means realizing what it is you want.

For me, I want to be a nurse.  I will be a nurse and I will be good at it. 

Life is about chances.  It is about risks.  It is about faith.  Life is about desire.

Stand DONE on the Finish Line

My thoughts are just a blur.  The days are going quickly.  Time is running fast and running out.  There is still so much to do.  I worked today.  Sunday is my only off day but I worked because a coworker really needed me to.  My sister’s birthday was today also.  I took a quick shower, bought her gift and then went to spend a few hours with her and the boys to celebrate the day she came into this world. I love that girl!  I wish I could have spent more with her.  The night is almost over though and there is still so much more to do. 

I think what I like most about sitting at my computer and writing is the silence and solitude in it all. For one small moment all of the world stands completely still and all the thoughts, feelings, and unsure reactions to life begin to make sense.  Even if that sense is just the knowledge that in the end none of it matters. 

I want to be still so bad.  I want to go to the park and play ball with the boys or go out one Saturday night with the girls and get dressed up.  I want a lot of things.  Most of which you have heard me state many times before.  BUT, what I want right this minute is to just be done.  That would mean I got through it all, succeeded and stand “done” on the finish line, ready to finally live.  So I take a moment, just a moment, whenever I can and remind myself that, so that I can go another day.

“Wait upon the LORD.  Be strong & take heart and wait upon the Lord.”  Psalm 27:14

What Makes you - YOU?

Wow, it has been an impactful few weeks - well few months.  I won't go into all the detail, you wouldn't care to hear it anyway. As I sit here knowing that I need to write and let out some of all this bottled up inside me, I think about the last few months.  So much has happened and quickly.  I don't think that I have processed much of it.  Life seems to be like that at times.  For most people it seems to be like that all the time.  I can't do it though.  I can't live like that.  I have to have a break, a moment from the madness and try to stifle through it all, let the emotions pass me by.

I took a moment to be still a few days ago.  I should have been studying but it was material that I had covered before.  I did study a little but for 2-3 days I didn't do much of anything.  To be still after having gone continuously for so long really felt like a flooding of everything coming over me.  In just a moment, a happy thought of time away became depressed feelings of inadequacy. 

Maybe it is just me.  Maybe it is just the way that I am, this emotional roller coaster mess, but I don't think so.  I think everyone deals with it in their own ways.  Some get a little more egotistical proving that they are capable of handling it all, some become a little more dependent unable to stand on their own, and others just keep moving in fast motion in fear that if they do stop it will indeed come crashing all down or just not get done.

To be honest, I wish my 2-3 days of solitude would have gone just a little more differently than they did.  Today, though, allows me to see or grasp what I failed to process then.


What makes you - YOU?
What defines YOU?
What strengthens YOU?  What makes YOU feel whole?

What is it in life that allows you to make since of it ALL?

I hope that you all have a good week.  I hope that you have a moment to YOUrself and that it fills YOU with the truth of who YOU are!
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'And then He reached out His arms and said I love YOU!' - Christ died for us, taking on every burden of the world that we may have LIFE. Fully have life. ;) Even the little details, He worries about.
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Peace in Christ,
Laura ~

Life is short....Yeah..it's short.

Life is short, and it moves by so quickly.

I am someone that tends to go in circles.  I suffer often from restless and feeling the need to change direction when what I really need is to just sit still. I loose myself in decisions that I can't begin to know how to make.  I get confused thinking maybe I went in the wrong direction and need to go back to where I started from, start again perhaps, change my mind perhaps, or just stand still not sure where to go or what to do.  Yeah, I go in circles a lot.

The rest of the world seems to move fast in the forward direction.  Don't get me wrong. I see others like myself, a little different, a little slower paced, and definitely off course.  Because the course is indeed what everyone else chooses and says that it is, right?  Yeah, they move forward in fast pace looking back and wondering why I am not where they are.

Some people, some people seem to get what ever "it" is though.  When you meet them, they seem to be very much in peace.  They are not worried about anyone else.  They don't seem to worry at all. They know who they are.  They know where they are, and they know who is in control of it all.  Fear escapes them because truth and trust envelopes them.

Yeah, life moves fast.  And often times so do we.   But I think it is these people who know to live it well.


"Be Still and Know that I AM GOD."   Psalm 46:10

Decisions...

Life is full of decisions.  We all have them, ranging from what to cook for dinner to "is this the job I should take?" or "the man I should marry?" 

I think our approach to answering these questions are fairly similar. Most of us look at life logically.  What makes the most sence?  What direction should I take is answered by a process "logically" drafted.  We look at the pros and the cons.  We compare and contrast.  We add up the benefits and the drawbacks trying to make the most amount of sence.

What if the decision we are needing to make though isn't grounded in logic?  What if the answer comes from a place that just doesn't make since or is not like ourseles?  Is it wrong?  A few months ago, I had a decision to make.  I felt that it was not wise to take classes. There was no logical reason to say that I shouldn't though.  I kept pressing through thinking that if that were really the case, God would present something logically to me so that I would have a valid reason not to.  He did not.  When it came right down to it, my classes were being scheduled and the fealing in the pit of my stomach was growing stronger. 

For me, I really debated all the odds.  What is the worst that would happen if I was in classes and something came into my life that made it unmanageble?  What would the consequences be?  How would I need to react?  Then I thought about the full effect of setting out a semester.  How would people see me?  Would they judge me, criticize me, call me a failure?  Would it really interferre with my course of becoming a nurse in a major way?

I only needed 2 classes but I had to have at least 2.  So when the knowledge came up that I could not get in the two computer class that I needed, I realized I had a split second to really decide.  I could push through and settle for an online course OR I could take the out that I was being given just trusting that there was a reason. 

I stood on faith and did not take either of the two classes.

For a moment, I feared that I had made a mistake and that I would regret it but then I found enouragement from a friend unexpectantly.  She told me a story about her brother who had a decision to make based on a "feeling" that did not make since to him.  He didn't listen to his feeling.  He went with logic and in return found himself falling out of a tree and landing with a broken back.  My friend's brother was fortunate.  He ended up being o.k.after some time in the hospital and some major pain. Had he only listened to that inconvenient nudging, though, he could have avoided this. 

I do not know the exact reasons for my nudging. Maybe there are more reasons than I realize.  I do know that it was best that I sat out though.  We don't always know what is ahead.  There are so many unexpected things that could happen at any given moment. Only God knows.  I really do believe that God gives us warnings about things. He speaks to our spirit in a way we don't fully understand.  He guides through our trust in Him and our willingness to listen to His truth.  The only way we know what is of Him is by being close to Him, being in His word, in prayer and in surrender of His will. 

I don't know about you but in my life, I want to be lead by the spirit. I want to head to His warnings and His guidance. I want to follow His lead.  I am seeing the importance of discernment.  I am seeing that in order to truly know His will, we have to learn to discern what is being said.  We have to test and approve. We have to trust and obey. And of course....we have to be willing.